Chimp off the old block

While distractedly watching last Sunday's primetime event "The Last Templar"--here's our impression:

Old Guy: The precious manuscript!
Knight: Where hast thou put the sacred decoder ring, varlet?
Mira Sorvino: (in dress, riding horse) Clop, clop, clop!

--got us thinking about NBC's other feat of programming legerdemain: the reboot of Knight Rider (on Saturday nights, we think). Now, why on Zod's green earth would some network honcho de-mothball an old show without taking the obvious and necessary step of adding a primate? You know, just to shake things up. Consider think about the possibilities:

Monkey Brewster
If the show's a non-starter, it could be retooled midseason as a sitcom about an enterprising chimp who makes his own beer. Win-win!

Afternoon fastball

Just to prove that we here at NBCMS can throw out familiar, mass-appeal projects with the best of Studio City's imagination engineers , we give you this shopworn yet gangbusters idea:

Chimp My Ride
The title pretty much speaks for itself.
Hosted by Dane Cook

Studio 60 on the Sunset Chimp

Once again, apologies for the lag; we have been holed up in the NBCMS laboratory, working out the fractions involved with "2 1/2 Men." After much interdepartmental squabble, we have ruled in the interest of equality (and our overworked sliderules), setting each protagonist's male quotient at slightly over .8, with the minority report wishing it stated that this seems slightly unfair to Jon Cryer.
Also in old business from last post, it should be noted here that there exists a distinct possibility that the reclusive Sexton Fogg is in fact an ape.
This newest pitch also revolves around the fraught human/monkey relationship amidst high-pressure circumstances:

The Monkey's Uncle
When little-known actor (Breckin Meyer) is brought in as the replacement host of an immensely popular children's television show (Uncle Chuckle's Teatime Treehouse), he thinks he's got it made. Little does he know that his main duty will be dealing with the real star of the show--an egomaniacal, pill-addicted, violently unhappy chimp, G.L. Fudge. Will the rookie Chuckle learn how to play "second banana," while keeping his unpredictable co-host happy and in line? Everyone's got a lot to learn in this rousing behind-the-scenes comedy-drama.

Tagline: Family is more than skin deep.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Ape

Yes, it's been entirely too long since our last pitch. What can we say: we here at NBCMS have just as much trouble tearing ourselves away from the Peacock Network's dizzying array of Howie Mandel projects, weight-loss extravaganzas and baffling historical epics as you do. (What on earth will the upcoming "Kings" entail?) And so, since we all have programs to watch, we'll cut right to the pitch:

BLACK MONK TIME
In a disturbing near-future, America's uneasy coalition of corporate overlords and shady political cabals must rely on an elite, covert squad of simian agents to defend the besieged homeland from its manifold foes. When a rookie human handler (Lukas Haas) is ushered into the squad's byzantine world of espionage, assassinations, double-crosses and coups, he must learn to manage his unpredictable agents, while figuring out where his own (and their) allegiances lie. Also starring Will Arnett as the voice of the group's reclusive, enigmatic founder, Sexton Fogg.

Tagline: Welcome to the jungle.

Now the work begins

Now that the fires kindled by rhetoric have had some time to cool, it's time to take a square, pragmatic look at our situation. What are the facts? NBC is beyond desperate for new shows; a monkey show at the very least could generate a bump in Internet buzz; therefore NBC could be convinced to mount a simian series in the near future. (For the record, we here at NBCMS are quite excited over the Peacock Network's forthcoming "movie event" "The Last Templar.")
But now to the sticking point: how will we manage this thing? For though we have some minor connections in the mass media, television folk we most certainly are not. But it is our Chicago hope that some executive at 30 Rock (the address, not the show, though someone from the latter would be welcome as well,) will stumble across this campaign whilst maniacally trolling for new material, validation, or open bar listings. And in preparation for just that august, genre-defining moment, we will gradually compile a roster, a veritable Seattle Slew, of open-source monkey-show pitches, free for the taking. (We also welcome any underemployed writers willing to run with any of the concepts that will appear herein, though we could be convinced to act as consultants.) So without further ado, on with the show.

Monkey See, Frankie Do
An elderly yet still virile private investigator, Frankie Mencken (Rutger Hauer), blinded in a mysterious accident and violently phobic of dogs, reluctantly accepts the aid of an unusually expressive seeing-eye chimp. Will this set-in-his ways curmudgeon adjust to his new life and his new best friend? And together, will they be able to solve the murders, corruption and delusion that surround them in 1960s Berkley? No one will see what's coming in this comedy-action-mystery hourlong adventure.

Tagline: This monkey sees plenty of evil. And Frankie's gonna stop it!

Monkifesto 2009

In many ways, this effort owes its existence to Rosie O'Donnell. Not her blithe performance in "Sleepless in Seattle," nor her affinity for Koosh balls, and certainly not her man-crush on Tom Cruise. (Though we admit these things to have played a role in our lives.)
It was O'Donnell's recent return to broadcast television that set off the chain of events that would lead to the formation of this campaign. Watching in astonishment as Rosie cavorted on stage with a rabid Liza Minnelli, and later indulged in synchronized Segway shenanigans, a notion struck us with the force of an off-kilter C flat major: NBC has reached the point where they will put anything on television. Granted, this conclusion had been brewing for some time; the hourlong serial starring Christian Slater as a guy who kicks the living shit out of himself every night and wonders why he's sleeping with his clothes on (or something,) should have tipped everyone off. More recently, a program that appears to be solely devoted to chiseled, sweaty Irish dancers has only driven the point home.
Beleaguered citizens of TV Land, we cite these things not to depress or befuddle you–for, like the great executives of old: Moonves, Tarkitoff, Murdoch, we see in this time of despair, delusion and frenzy an opportunity, a chance for a legend to spring forth , for the return of a storied being, for myth to become flesh. O frustrated viewers, now is the time to shuck off our lassitude and make it happen: by 1st quarter 2010 we will at last get a monkey show on the air.